Navigating Motherhood: A Compassionate Guide to Maternal Well-being
Motherhood is filled with joy, love, excitement, fulfillment, and gratitude. It can also be filled with tough decisions, exhaustion, anxiety, grief, judgment, shame, and fear. A key to navigating motherhood is self-compassion. Sounds simple right? Well, when you’re in the thick of all things motherhood, self-compassion can feel like a galaxy away, completely out of reach. To help ease you into a place of compassion, here are a few steps for whatever season of life you may currently find yourself in.
Acceptance
Motherhood is filled with highs and lows. If you can shift your mindset from trying to push away those uncomfortable moments and lean into what your mind and body are telling you during those low-tides, they feel a little less heavy. You have a tiny human you are protecting and nurturing… you are inevitably going to feel anxious some days, even weeks as they grow and as you grow. You are going to be sad at daycare drop off or the first days of school. When your little one shifts to eating solid foods, you are going to be scared as they try out the whole chew and swallow thing. Understanding that in these uncomfortable emotions, our maternal instincts are kicking in; love, protection, nurture. Feeling these overwhelming emotions signals we care.
Presence
In step one, acceptance for your current state and season, you’re seeking to accept the highs and lows of motherhood. That takes being present in the here and now. One of my all time favorite mindfulness leaders, Thich Nhat Hanh says it well, “To be present in the here and now, breathing, is a miracle.” Understanding that the highs won’t last and neither will the lows. Seek to be present in all moments of the eb and flow of motherhood.
Empowerment through knowledge
We all know that feeling we get as new mamas when something comes up with our little one and we have now clue how to handle it or even if it’s “normal.” We whip out our phone and start to google; “Why is my baby crying so much?” “What color should my baby’s poop be?” “How long should my baby sleep?” “What does baby eczema look like?” “What to feed an 8 month old?” In fact, according to one study, new moms google questions related to motherhood an average of 6 times per day. I wonder what moms did before the internet… hmmm… That said, knowledge (unless you consume too much), can be empowering. I still remember switching my daughter from breastmilk to formula and purees to actual solids. I was literally terrified she was going to choke on my watch eating solids, despite my making them as small as possible. So of course I went to youtube and googled what to do if a baby chokes! That was helpful, but so was the class I enrolled in and the LifeVac on hand. If it helps you, grab a book, a podcast, a reputable internet article, consult your Pediatrician, or the AAP website.
Self-Care vs. Self-Soothing
Yep, they’re different! Understanding what your body and mind need and then creating the time to nurture that is a key part of being a mama. Your kids feel your energy and will feed off of it. There is plenty of research that proves this. So, a calm mama=calmer kiddos.
Self-care: these are activities that take work in some form whether physical or mental, but that feed your soul and help take care of you. Examples: exercises such as lifting weights, running, or cycling. Reading a book. Listening to a podcast. Taking a pottery class. Hanging out with a fellow momfidant.
Self-soothing: these are activities that take minimal to no effort physically or mentally. Examples include: taking a warm bath. Listening to calming music. Taking a nap. Curling up on the couch with a warm mug of tea. Meditation. Taking a calming yoga class.
Now you’re probably wondering, great, when do I do what? If we feel our bodies in the sympathetic nervous system, we want self-soothing. If we feel our bodies in the parasympathetic nervous system, we can engage in self-care. Many of us, especially moms, tend to live more in the sympathetic nervous system, which is our “fight or flight” system. Here lives fear, exhaustion, and anxiety. Our bodies need rest from this state of functioning… hence self-soothing. If we are doing pretty good about being in our parasympathetic nervous system, we can engage in more demanding mental and physical activities.
* A note for new mamas; high intensity workouts actually push your body into a state of fight or flight where your cortisol levels are heightened. Therefore, if you’re already in the sympathetic nervous system on a regular basis, you are getting the opposite effect of what you're likely trying to accomplish by exercising.
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Community. Community. Community.
I can’t say it enough, it takes a village to raise a child and it also takes a village to raise a mama. Having friends and family to call on when you're feeling isolated, frustrated, nervous, anxious, or even to share the joys and milestones with, is a game changer. Research shows that individuals who engage socially on a regular basis live longer, healthier, and happier lives than those who are isolated. Those who have a community of support are more resilient to mental health disorders. And mamas, we need to know we are not alone in our parenting journey.
So here is your sign to reach out and call a friend today. Even if it’s 10 minutes while your little one is napping. Just call and connect. It will boost your oxytocin levels in your brain, which help you feel calm, at ease, bond with your baby, breastfeed, and general psychological well-being.
